Sunday, 30 December 2012

A fellow was making Franz Liszt

A fellow was making Franz Liszt
by Rick Lime

A fellow was making Franz Liszt
There've been rumors at least, of a tryst
But Chopin was his rival
And so this contrival
Holds no proof the men even kissed


check out Mad Kane's weekly limerick contest http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2012/12/30/list-limerick-off-monday/

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Happy TV New Years

Happy TV New Years
by Rick Lime

As another ball falls in Time Square
And another show goes off the air
A new idol gets picked
A survivor gets kicked
And for one more year we prepare

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Ironic traditions

Ironic traditions
by Rick Lime

Some Christmas traditions seem quirky
Like frankincense gold and the myrrh. Key 
to some on the list
Is an ironic twist
Like for dinner we gobble a turkey

Santa's list


Santa's list
by Rick Lime

Mr Claus since they say you bring toys
To a list of all good girls and boys
Either you’re a real cad
Or all poor kids are bad
Your regressiveness sadly annoys

Monday, 24 December 2012

If the milk is free ...

If the milk is free ...
by Rick Lime

If the milk is free don’t buy the goat
Paraphrases an adage of note
But, there's women who see
Things quite differently
They’ll have sausage and not buy the shoat

Going down in history

Going down in history
by Rick Lime

A butch from around Dawson Crick
Met an Irish femme in Limerick
So it came as no myst’ry
They went down in hist’ry
As Klon-dyke and little Gay-lick

A likely story

A likely story
by Rick Lime

The trial was about to commence
When the lawyer, at no small expense
Said “My clients no creep,
With regards to that sheep
He was helping it over the fence”

Hide your stash


Hide your stash
by Rick Lime

If the drug cops bust you for the crime
Of possessing a bag worth a dime
Here’s advice I will share
Throw it high in the air
But this only works for a short time

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Lesbian frogs ... really?

Lesbian frogs ... really?
by Rick Lime

Two lesbian frogs were love stricken
Before long their legs started kickin’
And when they were done
Piped up frog number one
“I’m surprised but we do taste like chicken”

Saturday, 22 December 2012

Liars and whores

Liars and whores
by Rick Lime

(after the NRA's outrageous response to the Sandy Hook school massacre)


The NRA’s statements aren't true
Arming cross walk attendants won't do
Fewer guns, fewer deaths
Fewer children's last breaths
Let's bid all assault weapons adieu

NRA leadership doesn't see
Their proposal's as insane can be
We'll have nothing less than
An assault weapons ban
And most NRA members agree

So now let's try to do this once more
And ban all guns designed to wage war
If your rep on the hill
Doesn't sign such a bill
Then you're represented by a whore

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Al fresco


Al fresco
by Rick Lime

It was dark in the park after class
They lay down for a quick piece of ass
But her frustration grew
So she said "Please can you
Find a light and stop eating the grass?"

The stupid channel

The stupid channel
by Rick Lime

The pundits on Fox News are cursed
But as idiots who would come first?
I’ll be even meaner
Each one is a wiener
To be precise I mean dumbwurst

It's like watching professional wrestling for journalists.

He should have told Friday

He should have told Friday
by Rick Lime

For several years, maybe more
Robin Crusoe at night would implore
“Please god send me a date”
Then by luck or by fate
Halle Berry got washed up onshore

So, he rescued her out of the swell
And soon deep into love they both fell
Then one day Crusoe said
"May I please call you Ted
And can we cut your hair short as well"

Next evening while dinner was stewing
They walked down the beach two by two-ing
He took her aside
And he whispered with pride
“Ted, you’ll never believe who I’m doing”

Bah Humbug

Bah Humbug
by Rick Lime


Merry Christmas and Joyeux Noel
Season’s greetings, please let me dispel
That humbuggy rumor
I’m in a bad humor
Happy New Year, sing Ding Dang Dong Dell

Monday, 17 December 2012

Who's counting

Who's counting
by Rick Lime


There's just three kinds of people, I'll grant
As a number that might appear scant
But the first group, like me
Know to count up to three
While the folks in the other group can't

Sunday, 16 December 2012

A woman who always wore blue

A woman who always wore blue
by Rick Lime

A woman who always wore blue
Got her dress stained by Pres forty-two
He said “Lew stop that gumming
I hear someone coming”
She said “Bill I think that it’s you”

Check out Mad Kane's weekly limerick off contest



Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Monty Hall's puzzle

Monty Hall's puzzle
By Rick Lime


Monty Hall was a game show host whiz
All acclaim for this puzzle is his
He'd deliver his spiel
Then say "Let's make a deal".
And that show is the scene for this quiz

A young couple was once asked to choose
Curtain A, B, or C, with no clues
Only one holds a prize
So it's no big surprise
There's a two in three chance that they'll lose

Their decision's the one labeled C
And they're happy as kids in a tree
'Cuz the host quickly shows
What he already knows
That there's nothing behind curtain B

But the host has got one final play
And it's argued about to this day
He now says they can switch
And that leads to my pitch
Would you keep C or trade it for A?

Missing Money


Missing Money
by Rick Lime
December 11, 2012

There once were three men from Khartoum
And for thirty pounds they rent a room
So, they each put in ten
But we're not at the end
There's much more to this tale, let's resume

Now, the Inn keeper's erred in the rate
Tells his bellboy  five pounds to rebate
He gives one to each guest 
And then he keeps the rest
Well, this theft makes the landlord irate

Cuz some money is missing, although
Where it possibly went, he don't know
Each paid nine for their kip
Plus the two kept in tip
There's another pound yet, where'd it go?

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

I'm not old

I'm not old
by Rick Lime


I’m not old cuz I walk with a stoop
I’m not old cuz some parts of me droop
But I’m more old than not
Cuz I recently bought
Campbell’s large type face alphabet soup

Eye Contact

Eye Contact
by Rick Lime

On occasion I've heard her confess
Conversations with men cause her stress
She can't look in their eyes
Although that's no surprise
Cuz her eyes are not down on her breasts

Monday, 10 December 2012

Henny Youngman's joke


Henny Youngman's joke
by Rick Lime

She was single, straight and twenty-nine
So she searched for a husband on-line
On her very first try
She received a reply
It said "Stop your search, you can have mine!"

A fellow in need of a doc


A fellow in need of a doc
by Rick Lime

A fellow in need of a doc
With some folklore was starting to balk
He ate Red Delicious
But puked repetitious
That apple a day thing’s a crock

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Not too urbane

Not too urbane
by Rick Lime

A man who was not too urbane
Delayed posting this half writ refrain
A schlemiel and a schmuck
He just ran out of luck
Finding rhyming words not too profane

Check out Mad Kane's limerick off contest

Thursday, 6 December 2012

Politically Incorrect

Politically Incorrect
by Rick Lime

This PC politeness must end
'Cause we're all too afraid to offend
If you thnk I'm a prick
And my sight makes you sick
Then with all due respect, let's unfriend.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

The affair

The affair
by Rick Lime

A director was fired, it was due
It seemed kinky but proved to be true
He was in an affair
With the boards easy chair
And the Chairwoman lost her job too.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

The Brazilian

The Brazilian
by Rick Lime

A lady with tears in her eyes
Said,  gesturing down ‘tween her thighs,
 “I've done something silly an’
I've had a Brazilly an'
I said “You've had how many guys”?

No more sex?

No more sex?
by Rick Lime

A young wife to her husband did speak
“Doctor says no more sex for a week”
Quoth the husband “I pray
That your dentist will say
You can just use a different technique”

Friday, 30 November 2012

Shower time

Shower time
by Rick Lime

A young man would stand in the shower
And wash himself hour upon hour
Despite all his vigor
His problem grew bigger
The more that he'd scrub it and scour

The moral line

The moral line
by Rick Lime

A limerick’s supposed to be spicy
But walking the moral line’s dicey
It’s fine if it’s lewd
Though it shouldn’t be crude
So, the good ones are fun but not 'nicey'

Who's who at the zoo?

Who's who at the zoo?
by Rick Lime

There were parrots and bears at the zoo
Counting all of their heads, twenty-two
And the group was replete
With some sixty-eight feet
Can you figure out how many flew?

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Four Girls

Four Girls
by Rick Lime

Mary's parents had four little girls
Their first, April was spoiled and wore pearls
Daughter two they called May
And then June came their way  
What'd they name their new baby, in curls?


It's a limerick and a puzzle! What have I started?

Food and Sex

Food and Sex
by Rick Lime

The question I have may seem silly
But when I'm alone with my filly
Can I pour choc’late sauce
On her sweet southern cross?
Or would that just be gilding her Lilly?

If food and sex both are enticing
Could choc'late sauce be bedroom spicing?
Each person may grade what
Is kinky and staid but
I know that all cupcakes need icing

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

The trade

The trade
by Rick Lime

I just heard ‘to crochet’ is ‘to tat’
And I’m sure I can learn to do that
First I’ll build up a stash
Then propose something brash
Like “I’m willing to trade, girls let’s chat”

We're off to see the wizard

Inspired by the wish that a Wizard would give the republicans a heart, the democrats some courage, and the media a brain!

We're off to see the wizard
by Rick Lime

Down the yellow brick road, by the grass
Skipped an elephant, pundit, and ass
But their trip to see Oz
Would be wasted because
Offered hearts, brains, and courage they'd pass

So, you want to be a politician

So, you want to be a politician
by Rick Lime

I don't mean to go off on a rant
But political ethics are scant
It might fix the whole mess
If we followed this test:
“If you want to hold office, you can't”

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Dear John

Dear John
by Rick Lime

She jilted me now I'm morose
Her Dear John note was quite grandiose
She bid me adieu
With the body tattoo
“If you're reading this Rick, you're too close”

Auto-Erotism

Auto-Erotism
by Rick Lime

There is a young man we'll call Chuck
Has a fetish type love for his truck
And he doesn't demand
That the world understand
But if it were alive they would … probably be going steady or something

Monday, 26 November 2012

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday
by Rick Lime

My birthday has just been horizoned
Amazing how fast the time flies, and
While it's all been fun,
All these trips round the sun
Haven't made me much smarter, just wizened.

(It's no really my birthday, but in the first person this poems is self deprecating humour, In the second person, it's just plain mean.)

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Not a Limerick

Not a Limerick
By Rick Lime

A fellow who wasn't too bright
Was determined, a limerick to write
But he's "frozen boot numb"
"Half a bubble off plumb"
And he couldn't, try hard as he might

The Rude Awakening

The Rude Awakening
By Rick Lime

There's a trait of my wife's that I dread
When asleep, to the world, she is dead
But she'll let out a fart
Then awake with a start
And accuse me of shaking the bed

Friday, 23 November 2012

Coffee

Coffee
by Rick Lime

It's amazing that one little bean
Can drive a lust, almost obscene.
Foam lattes espresso
Au lait or just plain Joe
I crave the taste and the caffeine

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Kittens


Kittens
by Rick Lime

So, there once was a girl who'd bring back
The stray kittens she found by the track
When she walked by you knew
She was carrying two
That were try'n to get out of a sack

Brigadoon

Brigadoon
By Rick Lime

Do you know the lass from Brigadoon?
She lay down with a tourist to spoon.
But it didn't take long
Before he felt the strong
Gravitational pull of the moon.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Happy Gobble Gobble

Happy Gobble Gobble
by Rick Lime

I swear to whatever’s above
Thanksgiving I’ll never tire of
I’ll always defend it
However I spend it
With family or people I love

After the election

After the election

Barrack’s still commander in chief
And each side will need time to debrief
Will they work ‘cross the aisle?
Or continue hostile?
Time will tell if they change their motif

Hooray! This is one of the winners of this week's Salon.coms Limerick contest

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

None of your business

None of your business
by Rick Lime

Since dinosaur annihilation
The chicken's prevented starvation
So they may be owed
Rights to criss-cross the road
Without questioning their motivation

Monday, 19 November 2012

Secession


Secession
by Rick Lime 

A man is disturbed by a line 
That secessionists now do opine 
“We should split red and blue, 
It’s much better if you  
Go your own way and let me go mine”

Sunday, 18 November 2012

The Test


The Test
by Rick Lime

A chicken and egg do a test
And the egg's looking quite unimpressed
But the chicken is smoking
And post coital joking
So, that question's been put to rest

The Doctor

The Doctor
by Rick Lime

A doctor was filled with regret
With his patients he’d often beget
And, he knew it was wrong
But his will wasn’t strong
A real problem, since he was a vet.

The Cross

The Cross
By Rick Lime

Her ros’ry hung down in her bosom
Her manager stared at the twosome
Said “show me your cross”
So she yelled at the boss
"No you pig! And would you change your view some?"

Valentine

Valentine
by Rick Lime

A gal was disturbed by a line
That was scrawled in a red valentine
Written on the inside
“I want you for my bride”
With the signature “Love Frankenstein”

The Proposal

The Proposal
By Rick Lime

When a hayseed was out on the town
He proposed to a femme in a gown
“You’re the love of my life
I want you for my wife”
She said“Why don't you bring her around?”

God helps those ...


God helps those who help themselves
By Rick Lime

God won't grant my prayer's execution
So, I'll try a diff'rent solution
With no divine gift bike
I'll find the one I like
Then steal it and seek absolution

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Star Crossed

Star Crossed
By Rick Lime

Our astrologer, also a witch
Told my ex to toss me to the ditch
Clearly, I missed a sign
Our stars didn't align
'Cause I'm Pisces and she was a Sagittarius

The Choice

The Choice
by Rick Lime

A limerick can be a riddle
Two lawyers are drowning in piddle
They're both almost done 
You may  save only one 
Do you choose to have lunch or just whittle

Welcome to my blog

Hi I'm Rick Lime,

Actually, Rick Lime is a pseudonym, but you probably already guessed that.

I recently started writing limericks and I've set myself a simple goal of writing at least one a day. I write three types of limericks, funny or silly (at least I think they're funny), topical (about politics and current events), and risque (these contain some sort of sexual reference). Please don't take offense at anything I write.

I hope you enjoy reading these little words of ... I dunno, certainly not wisdom..., as much as I enjoy writing them.

Please feel free to comment on any of my posts. Maybe you have a suggestion for a limerick or want to share one of your own.

bye for now,
--
Rick Lime,
November 17, 2012