Saturday, 2 November 2013

A woman was planning to truck



A woman was planning to truck
From New York up to Muckalucktuk
So, it's no surprise, eh
That she'd buy on the way
Some poutine, smokes, a toque, and a puck

Check out Mad Kane's weekly limerick contest 
http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2013/10/27/limerick-truck-limerick-off-monday/

Monday, 7 October 2013

The Snake

Entered into Mad Kane's weekly limerick contest
http://www.madkane.com/humor_blog/2013/10/06/limerick-snake-limerick-off-monday/
Check it out!

The Snake
by Rick Lime

“We all hate the Gov” hissed the snake
Vote for me, and it back, I will take
But the snake, who was sly
Had in fact, told a lie
His intent was, this country, to break!

Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, the snake
Said “Your freedom’s the thing that’s at stake”
While his plan, which is real
Is your freedom, to steal
Tread upon in his Tea Party’s wake

So, beware the forked tongue of the snake
Randall Paul and Ted Cruz for him spake
They grandstand, filibust,
Neither man should you trust
To be gullible is our mistake

David Koch is the name of the snake
There’s a hunger he never will slake
And he’ll make us all bleed
For his corporate greed.
Head him not, or your future forsake!

Saturday, 17 August 2013

Wondered Awe

Tomorrow is bad poetry day! With that in mind, Fred Bortz over at SciFact Central posted a challenge. He asked us to write a science poem (not necessarily a good one). In addition, he said we'd get extra credit if we wrote a sonnet.

I'm not sure I've ever read a sonnet before, much less written one. But not being one to shy from a challenge easily. Here goes. With apologies to Murray Gell-Mann and particle physicists everywhere, James Joyce, Willy the Shake, David Deutsch, and anyone else, living or dead that might take offense.

Wondered Awe
a sonnet by Rick Lime

Some physicists have seen the face of god
Now which upon the other puts a charm
It’s strange beyond the point of being odd
And who am I to color an alarm

Yet here’s the spin “Three quarks for Muster Mark!”
The flavor of his toast is justly earned
“The rummest rooster flopped from Noah’s ark”
The charge be us, all glad in what we learned

But fabric from our world is like a veil
In heaven and on earth lie many things
Just out of reach that make our knowledge pale
And hubris hides what’s waiting in the wings

So, truth be told they know not what they saw
While onward let us look in wondered awe

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Vindicated

The murder of Trayvon Martin and the acquittal of George Zimmerman should serve as a slap in the face to all people of conscience. Racism is a cancer in America.

Vindicated
by Rick Lime

Who’ll we kill next
To show you uppity folks we're still the boss
I see your black president and raise you one, piss in his pants, Glock wielding, son of the south
Don’t you stand on my ground
Wad up your worthless VRA and shove it
This is my country
I make the rules
And I’m tired
Tired of your rap, your hoodies, and your god damned affirmative action
I’m tired of your poverty
And I’m tired
Of you
Blaming me
You want what I got?
Well, you can’t have it.
Serve me my burger
And yes Trayvon, I do want fries with that
Clean my room, rake my lawn
And then, go away
Go home to your rats in the Corn Flakes tenement
With your dead president hanging on the wall
Go home to your ‘pappa’s in jail’ apartment
Go home and keep out of my sight
Tonight
Listen up and listen good
In my country
Might does make right
And it’s not my fault
That you're not white

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Chaste Chicks

The grand kids wanted to hear a story, so I told them this one ...

Chaste Chicks
by Rick Lime

Gather round if you’ve nothing to do
I’ve a story that’s stranger than true
It’s a shaggy dog tale
Guaranteed not to fail
With a moral on which you can chew

Years ago we were driving around
From the rear I could hear an odd sound
So, I slowed down a crack
And I looked out the back
What comes next will amaze and astound

In the rear-view I stared in the face
Of a chicken who quickened her pace
When she opened her stride
And came up along side
I could tell that she wanted a race

Then she pulled out in front. What a bird!
Still, I know what you think “How absurd!”
You may scoff if you must
But we’ere left in the dust
And I floored it, I give you my word.

Up ahead, we could see where she turned
And some answers I thought we had earned
So I stopped and appealed 
To a man in his field
As I spoke to him, here’s what we learned

The farm was called “Betty & Greg’s”
They raised chickens from GMO eggs
When I blurted, aghast,
“They’re incredibly fast”
He responded “They all have three legs!”

“That explains it”, I heard myself say
I was still somewhat puzzled, but hey,
After what he just said
I would ask him instead
Why they chose to raise chickens that way

“There’s the boy and his mother” says he
“Right away, if you count it, we’re three”
He went on with a snort
“That’s a chicken leg short
‘Cuz we all want a drumstick, you see?”

What I asked then was “How did they taste
On a dinner plate, gravied and graced”
He replied, “I regret,
We’ve not caught any yet
Though there’s many a chick whose been chased.”

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

The Sad and Scary Death of Trayvon Martin

With all my heart I hope I'm wrong about the outcome of the George Zimmerman trial. But, even if I am, Florida's Stand Your Ground and Concealed Carry laws constitute a recipe for disaster.

The Sad and Scary Death of Trayvon Martin
by Rick Lime

In the past in the south you’d be lynched
By the cops or the Klan if you ‘ere pinched
In the sun shiny state
From the fears and the hate
It appears that they’ve not even inched

Trayvon Martin was killed for the crime
“Bein’ black in the wrong place and time”
In the rain in the dark
In a closed gated park
The young boy was shot down in his prime

Of the white man who shot the boy dead
And his family, a lot has been said
They’ve a good catholic home
On their lawn is a gnome
But for black folk there’s fear and there’s dread

When the man and the boy met that night
Some believe they got into a fight
Others say Tray was shot
When he ran and was caught
But the diff’rence it makes will be slight

‘Cuz, the sad fact we don’t want to see
Is the statute, the law, the decree
“Stand Your Ground” when afraid
Could’ve been tailor made
And the jury will have to agree

So, we’d best hold this simple truth dear
In our ignorance, crippling and sheer
That the guns that we own
Leave us scared and alone
And we can’t kill our way out of fear


Friday, 21 June 2013

Harper's Canada

The disastrous polices of the Harper government are destroying Canada's economy, culture, democracy, and environment. Imperial Oil and other multinationals quietly took control of this country and the Conservatives in Ottawa are now just their hand picked board of directors.

Harper's Canada
by Rick Lime

There was a young man from Tarawna
He slept with the boys at Exxon a'
‘N alliance ensued
Between slimy an’ crude
Now O’ Canada may be a gonna'

Thursday, 20 June 2013

Could be Worse

The week after I posted "Too Snarky" in the local paper, the mayor called me out in print for picking on him. Each week since then the paper has been filled with one letter after another complaining about how "Snarky" the mayor really is. I fear I have opened the floodgates on a minor revolt...If you don't know about Rob Ford, he's the wacked mayor of Toronto, he's worth a google ...

Could be Worse
by Rick Lime

Well, our mayor is still in hot water
Speaks of people less kind than he oughter
But let’s all thank the lord
That he isn’t Rob Ford
T’ronto’s mayor is really a rotter

Gone Fishin'

Gone Fishin'
by Rick Lime

Every summer we make the mistake
Having In-laws descend on their break
She won’t let me forbid
Little Sis and her kid
So I’ll spend lots of time at the lake

No Mad Gophers

There was a little back and forth in the letter to the editor section of the local paper. Seems one neighbor was upset with another neighbor because of a gopher problem. Neighbor one felt that neighbor two wasn't doing enough to stop the "nomadic gophers" from crossing the property line. Much posturing was done and some threats were uttered...

No Mad Gophers

Gopher war or a neighborhood spat
Go to court or just sit down and chat
It’s a mole hill that’s grown
Should we call in a drone
Or could somebody just get a cat

Limericks by the Pound

Limericks by the Pound
by Rick Lime


In a penny’s worth, in for a pound
Is a saying that’s meant to confound
Light years Don’t measure time
Someone’s dropping a dime
And a speaker’s for musical sound?

---

They gave the poor headboard a pound
And the mattress collapsed to the ground
Though they practiced safe sex
On the porch and the decks
In the bathtub they both nearly drowned

---

The Mark, Yen or Buck, and the Pound
Make a clinkety-clankety sound
Joel Grey and Minnelli
On film and the telly
Can still make the world go around

---

Pick a penny and squander a pound
In a puddle a fool can be drowned
Aren’t these platitude’s nice
Guess they’ll do in a thrice
But for bawdy lims we’re more renowned

---

A potato weighs all of a pound
When it’s harvested out of the ground
Made of starch and some ash
And before it, you mash
It’s three quarter parts water they’ve found

But this spud will weigh less than a pound
If dehydrated into a mound
That’s half water, half powder
When using for chowder
Or fritters is usu’lly frowned

So now, how many parts of a pound
(And the answer will likely astound)
Does the dried up spud weigh?
If it’s too soon to say,
Is your crossword puz pencil around?

---

On his laptop his head he would pound
As he tried to write something profound
And the words that were wrote
By the keyboard he smote
Made no sense but the meter was sound

---

I wish she would put on a pound 
Some parts of her ought to be round 
But she’s built like a rake
And I’m scared she would break
If out with her I’d make, so I’m browned

---
From the shindig the music would pound
Every time that the jug went around
And the neighbors were pissed
At the ‘do’ that they missed
But not nearly as much as the hound

---

Through Roget’s thesaurus he’ll pound
With hopes that a word can be found
But the squeak of the door hinge
They’d painted bright orange
Made limerick boy come unwound



What Rhymes with Escherichia?

What Rhymes with Escherichia?
by Rick Lime

You may know I was sick for a while
Seems E.coli encumbers your style
But that’s over and done
I’ve already begun
To amuse, entertain, and beguile

Thursday, 30 May 2013

You Again?

In my small town, the AG is the grocery store. And, it's a few blocks down the main drag from the post office.

You Again?
by Rick Lime

What I like about this town the most
It’s more friendly than ones down the coast
Folks’ll ask you “What’s new?”
In th’ AG checkout queue
Though you just spoke while fetching the post

Friday, 10 May 2013

A Fork in the Road


C
atherine and Heathcliff were Sunday driving in the country. They were looking for a secluded lake they had been told about. As their vehicle crested a short hill, they came to a fork in the road. Catherine stopped the car. “Do you remember,” she asked Heathcliff, “If we were told to go left or right at this fork?”
Heathcliff couldn’t remember the directions. As he thought back, his mind wandered, and he came up with another logic puzzle.
“Cath”, he began. “Imagine there were a couple of guides here and they could give us directions.  Now, suppose one of them always told the truth, but the other one will always told a lie. You can assume that each guide knows whether the other is a liar or a truth teller.”“Finally”, he continued. “Let’s also assume that both guides know which road leads to the lake.
“The puzzle Cath”, he finished, “is to ask a single question of one of the guides and then determine which road to take.
_____________________________

Catherine knew Heathcliff could always distract her like this. She wanted to continue driving, and she was considering flipping a coin to decide which road to take. But, she was a little intrigued by Heathcliff’s puzzle.
She couldn’t just point down a road and ask the first guide “Is this the road to the lake?” There was only a fifty-fifty chance the guide she chose would be the truth teller. So, that approach would be wrong as often as it was right. She wondered if there was a question that each guide would answer the same way. How, she wondered, would they answer the question “Are you a liar?” upon reflection, Catherine realized that both guides would say “No”. She also realized that both guides would say “Yes”, if she asked “Is the other guide a liar?”
Catherine felt that she was onto something, but she wasn’t sure how to proceed. She wondered, “What if I ask them something that I know is true?” “Does 2 plus 2 equal 4?” “That would identify the truth teller,” she reasoned, “But, I only have one question. What if I asked, “Would the other guide tell me that 2 plus 2 equals 4”?  Both guides would answer “No”.  Then, in a flash of inspiration, Catherine had solved the puzzle.
“Ok Heath”, I’ve got it, Catherine said. “I’d ask one guide if the other guide would tell me that the left fork led to the lake.” If the answer was “Yes”, I’d take the right fork and if the answer was “No”, then I’d take the left road.”
“Now” she asked, “Tell me the truth. Which way should we go?”

Saturday, 4 May 2013

A gal was annoyed by a hum

A gal was annoyed by a hum
by Rick Lime



A gal was annoyed by a hum
It was me, but I tried to play dumb
When she asked “was that you
On the stupid kazoo?”
I said “No I’ve been beating my …um…”

He’s so humble he won’t even hum
Though he bumbles he isn’t a bum
He’s become truly shy
Someone cute’s caught his eye
And she mumbles the same as his mum

Unbidden my head starts to hum
Amid meter and rhyme I succumb
And I cannot explain
Though I think that it’s plain
There are times when my muse likes to slum

My TV’s developed a hum
And my banjo will no longer strum
All ‘cuz when I watched Hannity
I lost my sanity
Good thing I don’t own a gum

Squatting carpenters constantly hum
Not aware that they’re showing their bum
So good poet or hack
Can’t but help take a crack
At some cheeky verse, warped more than plumb


Now I think we’re beginning to hum
Some girls giggled and wrote the word ‘bum’
I can see the allure
‘Cuz we’re not that mature
Apropos for the lim-off alum

A fellow would haw then he’d hum
Then he’d curse at the IRS scum
When he adds up his tax
It’s deductions he lacks
He owes more than the parts of his sum

The idol can whistle and hum
But his talent’s no better than some
Still he gets their awards
‘Cuz he’s learned all three chords
So an overnight hit he’s become

The woodwinds were starting to hum
The maestro looked typically glum
Then as he took the stage
He went into a rage
As he waved his baton to and from

A gal was annoyed by a hum
And I don’t want to say she was dumb
But by turning the switch
She could deal with her itch
Much more quietly using her thumb








Friday, 3 May 2013

Too Snarky

Too Snarky
by Rick Lime

Mr Mayor, can I call you Bill
Here's some friendly advice, if you will
In some columns you've writ
You seem piqued in a fit
An' we'd mark your words more if you'd chill

Abstainer-Complainer

Abstainer-Complainer
by Rick Lime

There once was a mayor of note
Whose opinions I've no room to quote
But his insular views
Make me ponder and muse
"Come election time, why don't I vote?"


Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Counterfeit Coins


Counterfeit Coins

C
atherine and Heathcliff were spending a quiet evening at home. Catherine was absorbed in a detective novel and Heathcliff was thumbing his way through a check-out stand magazine.
“Cath,” Heathcliff said, interrupting her reading. “Why don’t you put your book down for a minute? I’ve just solved a puzzle and I’d like to share it with you.” Heathcliff paused while Catherine dog-eared the paperback. “Let me read you the ‘Back Page Puzzler’ from this magazine.”He continued, “It says, imagine you have nine coins. One is slightly heavier than the others. Can you identify the heavy coin, using a two pan balance scale only twice?”
---
Heathcliff smiled with pride as he explained his solution, “For the first weighing,” he said, “I thought I would put four coins in each pan, leaving one on the table.  But, no matter how I tried, I couldn’t solve it that way.” “So,” He continued, “I decided to put three coins in each pan and leave the remaining three coins on the table. That way, after the first weighing I’d know which group of three contained the heavy coin. Once I knew that, I could put one coin in each pan and leave one on the table. If the scale balanced,” he concluded, “The heavy coin would be on the table. Otherwise, it would be in the lower pan.
“That’s great Heath,” Catherine said, reaching for her novel. “Now, can I get back to my mystery?” “Not just yet Cath,” Heathcliff replied with a grin. “Now, I’ve got a puzzle for you”
Catherine listened as Heathcliff began. “The puzzle I solved was just a warm up for this one” Heathcliff continued. “This time, you have 12 coins. One is counterfeit. It’s either slightly heavier or slightly lighter, than the rest. The challenge is to identify the odd coin using the same kind of two pan balance scale no more than three times.” “Remember,” Heathcliff coached her, “In this puzzle, you don’t know if the odd coin is heavier or lighter than the others.”
---
Catherine set her book aside and considered Heathcliff’s puzzle. She could already sense this was going to be difficult.
Thinking back to Heathcliff’s earlier puzzle, she decided to begin with 3 even groups of coins. Catherine imagined putting four coins in one pan of the scale, four in the other pan, and the remaining four coins on the table. If the scale balanced, the odd coin would be among those on the table. She paused, “This would be easier if I knew whether the odd coin was heavy or light”. “In that case,” she thought, “I would just put two coins in each pan. Then I’d know which group of two contained the odd coin. Finally, I would weigh those two coins against each other”. “Unfortunately,” she reminded herself, “I don’t know if the coin I’m looking for is heavy or light.”
Catherine thought back to the previous puzzle, “Was there anything she could learn from it,” she wondered. “Well,” she thought, “Heathcliff was able to find an odd coin in a group of three, in one weighing.” “But,” she reflected, “He knew the odd coin was heavy.”  Catherine paused in thought for a moment. Then she got an idea.
“If the scale balanced after the first weighing, the odd coin would be in the group of four coins on the table. After clearing the scale, she would put two of the suspect coins in the pan on one side of the scale and another one of them in the pan on the other side.   Finally, she would add one of the coins she knew was genuine to the second pan.”
“Now,” she thought. If the scale balances the bad coin will be the one I left on the table. And if it doesn’t balance,” she went on, “I still have one weighing to find it.” “Let’s imagine the lower pan of the scale contains the two coins from my group of four suspects” “I’ll know that either one of those coins is heavy or the single suspect coin in the other pan is light”. “I can clear the scale and weigh the two coins from the lower pan against each other. If the scale balances, the odd coin is the light one I took off the scale. If the scale doesn’t balance, the odd coin is in the lower pan.
“Well,” thought Catherine. “That’s reassuring. If the scale balances after the first weighing, I know how to find the counterfeit coin” “But,” She wondered. “What if the scale doesn’t balance?”
Catherine pictured the unbalanced scale. She envisioned four coins in the lower pan and four coins in the upper pan. She wondered, “What would happen if I removed two coins from each pan?” After considering this for a moment, Catherine could see that whether the scale balanced or not, she would be left trying to find the odd coin out of a group of four coins with only one use of the scale remaining. She was pretty sure that was impossible.
“This is a tough puzzle,” Catherine muttered. “I thought it might be.” Heathcliff responded.
Catherine took stock. There were eight suspect coins after the first weighing. She realized the second weighing would have to reduce that number down to three.  To start, she decided to remove three coins from the lower pan. If the scale ended up balancing after the second weighing, she’d be able to find the heavy coin in that group. To replace those three coins, she would put three coins from the table into the lower pan. She did some calculating “Everything would be fine if the scale changed orientation after the second weighing.”  But she realized there would still be too many suspect coins if the same pan was low.  In that case, not only would there be the one remaining coin suspected of being heavy in the low pan. But, there would also be four coins suspected of being light in the higher pan.
Catherine mentally swapped one of the good coins she had put in the lower pan with a suspect coin from the higher pan. However, she quickly realized she would still have four suspect coins, if the scale didn’t change orientation after the second weighing. So, she repeated the procedure and swapped anther coin. This left two good coins and two coins suspected of being light in one pan. The other pan contained one good coin, one coin suspected of being heavy, and two coins suspected of being light.
Catherine slowly grinned. The puzzle was solved. If the scale’s orientation remained unchanged after the second weighing, there would be one coin suspected of being heavy and two coins suspected of being light. She could use the scale a third time to weigh the two coins suspected of being light against each other. This would identify the bad coin.
If the pans reversed orientation, there would be two coins suspected of being light. Finding the light one would be easy. Finally, if the scale balanced, she would know that one of the three coins she removed after the first weighing was heavy. She could find that one easy enough as well.
“I solved your puzzle Heath,” Catherine announced. “You are amazing, Cath!” Heathcliff said, standing up from his chair. “Why don’t I leave you alone for a while now?”

The Counterfeit Coin


The Counterfeit Coin

by Rick Lime

So this week when the rhyme word is hum
And I’ve o’er used ‘cum’,  ‘dum’, ‘thumb’, and ‘bum’
A conundrum I’ll pose
Will you solve it, who knows?
I suspect though, it’s too tough for some

Now the gears in my head start to hum
As the clues for this puzzle forth come
You’ve got 12 coins of gold
But there’s one that is old
It’s weight’s off from the rest, by a crumb

You’ve a scale (not of music to hum)
It’s two pans on a chain, and it’s plumb
With this scale weigh the gold
‘Till at last you behold
The coin others are different from

If at this point you’re all thinking hummm ….
Here’s a clue to begin, don’t be glum
Place some coins in each pan
If they balance you can
Safely say that it’s not in that scrum

Since you now see this isn’t ho-hum
One more thing, please don’t think I’m a bum
The odd coin may be light
Or just overweight, slight
And three weighing’s the goal, good luck chum


Saturday, 27 April 2013

Be There

Be There
by Rick Lime

Do you know how the candidates rate?
You’ve got little or no time to wait
On May 3rd there’s a meeting
Where they’ll be competing
Let’s all of us fish or cut bait

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Growing Pains

Growing Pains
by Rick Lime

How fast should our little town grow?
Are the mayor's plans all apropos?
If we build it they'll come
is the feeling of some
but for others like me, we don't know

Friday, 8 March 2013

Another Burden

Both sides of the gun control debate in the US are now talking about race...sort of.

Another Burden
by Rick Lime

Into gun control Uncle Sam delves
As a bigger blight falls from his shelves
“This burden’s not fair
It seems too much to bear
 When they’re doing it all to themselves”



Homesick

Just to provide a little context, the annual Barriere Fall Fair & Rodeo is an event not to be missed :-)

Homesick
by Rick Lime

Up in camp or gone just down the coast
As I wander from pillar to post
'Tween my folks and the Fair
And the girl with red hair
It's the potholes that I miss the most

Monday, 4 March 2013

A woman was planning a flight


A woman was planning a flight
by Rick Lime

Check out Mad Kane's weekly Limeric-Off

Hosts of angels, wings beating in flight
Held celestial bodies just right
Physics pulled back the curtain
But I'm still uncertain
How 'quantums' can shed any light

A fellow was planning a flight
But began with bordellos that night
In between lust and haste
The man's pants were misplaced
So they grounded the Casanovite


Before his career'd taken flight
Yogi Berra quotes all sounded trite
Much later however
They sounded more clever
Like "Errors I made can't be right"

First she gasped then she took off in flight
In the morning, when first she caught sight
Of his thing, oh so ugly
With which she had smugly
Gone humpety bump in the night

Ulysses was planning a flight
From the Siren's bay late in the night
He would face the high sea
In his bid to be free
'Cuz, his bark was much worse in their bight

A couple was planning a flight
With the mile high club in their sight
But the john was so small
That he leaned 'gainst the wall
And the door handle got a delight

A fellow was planning a flight
'Cuz the DA intends to indict
So he'll snorkel and scuba
Lay low in Aruba
And old Beach Boys lyrics recite

Sunday, 3 March 2013

Dear SCOTUS

It outrageous how desperate the republicans are to disenfranchise blacks and other minorities.

Dear SCOTUS
by Rick Lime

Dare I say Judge Scalia, you dope
Though the Sovereign States pine and mope
Leave the voting rights act
Ratified and intact
And in fact, step aside, like the Pope

This related verse was inspired by one of those troll instigated facebook flame wars.


Democracy’s under attack
First they came for the poor and the black
Voter fraud’s a red herring
Scalia is wearing
The robes of a corporate hack

Saturday, 2 March 2013

An Allegory

Some people are upset because the economy is broken and governments are dysfunctional. Other people spend their time intentionally disrupting the economy and subverting democracy.
An Allegory
by Rick Lime

Henny Penny’s completely seduced
Foxy Loxy’s in charge of the roost
And the question he begs
“Who’s been stealing the eggs?”
Penny ponders, confused and obtused



Thursday, 28 February 2013

Politically Incorrect

Mr. Tom Fletcher is a very conservative journalist for Blackpool press and a regular contributor to the Barriere Star journal.
Politically Incorrect
by Rick Lime

I'd like to observe, if I might
While politely declining to fight
Given differing views
In the Barriere News
Mr Fletcher's are usually 'right'

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Cold deadly hands

Cold deadly hands
by Rick Lime

Bearing arms is on everyone's lips
"From my cold deadly hands" someone quips
And I've just come to learn
That his major concern
Is a vampire and zombie eclipse

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Why do I write?

Madeleine Kane inspired this. It's shamelessly sophomoric and it won't happen again.

Why do I write?
by Rick Lime

You might ask why the morning birds sing
Or why rolling cathedral bells ring
It’s a passion that aches
Like the impulse that makes
A kite dance on the end of a string

Three Stooges Poetry

Three Stooges Poetry
by Rick Lime

There once was a silly old poet
Gravitas in his work, he’d forgo it
‘Cuz if given the chance
He would pull down his pants
And just “Larry and Curly and Moe” it

---


There once was a silly old poet
Immature, with no hope to outgrow it
A limerick rookie
Obsessed over nookie
He don’t care whoever might know it

Monday, 18 February 2013

A man who was eating a roll


A man who was eating a roll
by Rick Lime

Check out Mad Kane's weekly Limeric-Off

William Tell and his son on a roll
At the Lucky Strike Lanes set a goal
T' at least spare every frame
But their team had no name
So we don't know for whom the Tells bowl

The hillsides may hummock and roll
And the valleys can basin and bowl
But as far as I see
There forever will be
In the world, only one grassy knoll

A woman was "eating a roll"
That's sex talk for "pollish the pole"
And while I'm not fluent
"Mamada"s congruent
With both phrases en espanol

Her drummer was drumming a roll
A fiddle-er fingered his scroll
Beyonce innuendo-ed
The chorus crescendo-ed
Much more than the melody swole

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Idle No More?

Idle No More?
by Rick Lime

They oppose the new omnibus bill
But their battle for change is uphill
I could stand up with pride
And say "I'm on their side"
Or just sit and remain idle still

Friday, 8 February 2013

Controlled Release

This was 'inspired' by a medical journal article about the controlled release of medication. An FB friend suggested the magazine probably never came early. (So, I have some one else to blame for this)

Controlled Release
by Rick Lime

There is a young man, call him X
His release is controlled during sex
So, he comes every time
That his clock starts to chime
And, to Pavlov he pays his respects

A Quickie

A Quickie
by Rick Lime

He's a Bam thank you Ma'am kind of chap
He makes love and he's done in a snap
I'll resume my critique
Of his bedroom technique
But he'll first have to wake from his nap

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

A man who'd been recently canned


A man who'd been recently canned
by Rick Lime

Check out Mad Kane's weekly Limeric-Off

An escort was recently canned
For lit'rally  beating the band
She was given the boot
When her Madame found oout
She'd been giving them all a free hand

A woman was recently canned
For teaching that one in the hand
Was worth two in the bush
It's a theory she'd push
But not one that us boys understand

To paraphrase Donald, "You're Canned!"
Pointing finger, mock pistol in hand
It's no TV show lout
That he's talking about
But his face in the mirror all tanned

A song that was recently canned
By Ms Knowles and the President's band
Has ignited a fire
And while not a pyre
The idiot flames have been fanned

A gal who'd been recently canned
Was asked "Sarah, what next have you planned?"
First she hummed, then she hawed
Then inspired by god
She said "Share More Broadly the Message of the Beauty of Freedom and the Imperative of Defending Our Republic and Restoring This Most Exceptional Nation"

A man who'd been recently canned
For visiting sites that were banned
Found it hard to let go
For a minute or so
He'd it all in the palm of his hand

A woman was recently canned
For indecently using a hand
To first hide then reveal
Then refuse to conceal
The two parts that she hadn't quite tanned

And a couple of alternate rhymes about the Super Bowl
The super bowl's finally here
Seems the hype has been building all year
And while some think the game
Is exceedingly lame
We'll use any excuse to drink beer

QBs throw the bombs, LBs blitz
The coach barks his orders and spits
While boys from the benches
Make war in the trenches
And fans drink Budweiser and Schlitz

Ye Olde Candy Shoppe


Ye Olde Candy Shoppe
by Rick Lime

My friend runs "Ye Olde Candy Shoppe"
In a town with a new "Quickie Stop"
And I don't think he knows
Down the street, while he's closed
That the price goes up ten cents a pop

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Coffee Klatch

Coffee Klatch
by Rick Lime

For the news I'm afraid there's no match
Who's deceased, what bride made a good catch
Will the coach get the boot
"Think the waitress is cute?"
Don't be late for the town coffee klatch



For Bobby Burns

I posted this on facebook last week, but forgot to blog it.

For Bobby Burns
by Rick Lime

A man is a man for a’ that
His money’s worth nary a squat
Yet with poor honesty
An’ through brotherhood he’ll
Be a king, for a’ that and a’ that

Monday, 28 January 2013

A fellow stepped into the hall

A fellow stepped into a hall
by Rick Lime

A woman stepped into the holl-er
A classic’ly trained square dance call-er
She plays Ludwig Van
And says “Left Allemande”
With the chance that the dancers might Mahl-er

When Ms Clinton stepped into the hall
“You’d be fired by me” said Rand Paul
Hear the Oz lion sing
“If I’d only been king”
Is that pride going before the fall?

A fellow stepped into the hall
First he wept, then he started to bawl
There’s Liz Lemon and Jack
Tracy Morgan and Krak
He had just said good bye to them all


A feller was fixin ta haul
His ramshackle wreck to St. Paul
The dad-burned directions
Shore had imperfections
He purt near drove by Montreal

A fellow stepped into the hall
‘tween the bed and the head on the yawl
And then grinning he swore
“I’ve been blown offshore
And my mast is beginning to fall”

If’n y’all would step into the hall
This here feudin’ we jes might forestall
Ain’t rightly my bidness
But this pro and quid-ness
Is too high-falutin, by gall

Thursday, 24 January 2013

How long is that?

How long is that?
by Rick Lime

A transferring student named Peter
Went in search of the school totter-teeter
Asking "Where's the school yard?"
The old teacher mis-h'ard
And said "Just shorter than a school meter."

Burn in

It's been a while since I wrote something lewd or risque.

Burn in
by Rick Lime

It betrays all the time that he spends
On those days with his internet “friends”
There’s an image of asses
Burned into his glasses
That “search xxx” recommends

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Hopey Change

I don't think I'm generally spiteful, but sometimes ...

Hopey Change
by Rick Lime

A while ago, Palin would shout
"How's that hopey change thing workin' out?"
At the start of this term
She's beginning to squirm
'Cuz her tea party's almost in rout

Sunday, 20 January 2013

A woman had planned to come clean

Entries in Mad Kanes weekly Limerick-off contest

A woman had planned to come clean
by Rick Lime

A fellow who hated to clean
Has created a washing routine
Now he schedules each bath 
Using log’rithmic math
So they’re fewer and farther between

A woman had planned to come clean
But in Smithers, just making the scene
She was randy and lonely
And so she not only
Got drunk, she blew two Smithereens

A fellow is now coming clean
Fastest bicycling junkie there’s been
And he could be forgiven
If he’d only striven
T’ apologize for being mean

A fellow had planned to come clean
To his son, speaking like a machine
He said “Luke, I’m your father
I hope it’s no bother
I guess though, you’ll make a big scene